Dillon

"It's really funny because he immediately kills himself. The Jean timeline is crazy like that... Shit, Zach, did you hear me say all of that? I forgot I was still in the Discord call" ~ Dillon embarrassing himself while watching Mr Nobody and forgetting that Zach was still in the call

Dillon Barnabus Al-Saleem Cooper is the founder of the Flex Offenders and the team's resident sex-haver. He was born to a British businessman and a french prostitute with webbed feet. Throughout the team's history, he has been a frequent harbinger of disasters to come, often seen photographed alongside his lifelong rival, The Mothman. Dillon is slated to be the main character of the Flex Offenders Netflix series. Additionally, a spinoff starring Zach's insulin pen is said to be in the works.

History
Dillon started his life by coming straight out tha pussy drawin' fuckin' Mozart. In issue #56, his first words were confirmed to be "I can't say that, that's mean..." at the age of 7. Dillon founded the Flex Offenders in 2007 after a series of failed business ventures and felony fraud charges following the 2006 mortgage crisis as a way to embezzle funds. His poor leadership skills would ultimately lead to the original Flex Offenders' demises in 2011, and would seek to re-found the group in 2016 to combat the Trump administration.

Personality
Dillon is a very intelligent, but racist little boy. He is very logical and emotionless, having no time or sympathy for the "less acceptable races" as he is too concerned with his competitive jelqing. Dillon has a passion for small arts and crafts projects, frequently making small papertoys or Perler Bead thingies as gifts for Maren to keep her from leaving him, which she probably should've done by now. Dillon is deathly afraid of spiders, especially tarantulas, following an incident in kindergarten in which an employee from the now defunct Little Ray's Reptile Zoo allowed a tarantula to get too close to him. Dillon loves to debate, but often finds himself freezing up when put on the spot. As such, he prefers to know all the facts ahead of time, even though Maren will likely just wind up disagreeing with him anyway.

Relationships
Maren: Even though Maren is responsible for the notorious "Left Cheek Kerfuffle" that cost the original Flex Offenders their lives, Dillon thinks she's pretty cool. They married on June 10th, 2003, the first day it was legally permissible to do so in their home province, which has proven to be a great benefit whenever tax season rolls around

Zach: Dillon once saw Zach leave the Foodland bathroom without washing their hands. This has had an impact on all of their future interactions, whether Zach knows it or not.

Jacob: Despite having a prior work and academic history, Dillon doesn't trust Jacob. Dillon has secretly implanted a bomb in Jacob's neck to ensure that he never moans in his sleep or wakes Dillon up by slapping him ever again.

Brynn: Dillon and Brynn have known each other since middle school, when her colossal green fart alerted him to her powers. Dillon deemed it his responsibility to the world and the greater good to weaponize her power and use it for his own private ends.

Tommy: Ex-Minion

Jack Box: Avid Supporter

Powers and Abilities
Dillon has the mutant ability to offend Maren with a single word. Consequently he is also able to gain the abilities of shape-shifting, laser-bellybuttoning, firing postpartum depression beams from his eyes, and filing taxes with 15% interest, all by uttering the magic word that grants him the might of Nebuchadnezzar, the cunning of Iago, the will of Gilgamesh, the agility of Giannis Antetokounmpo, the charisma of Eddie Murphy, and the endurance of Rosa Parks

Weaknesses
Maren

Crimes
All

Quotes

 * "I can't say that, that's mean..." - First words & recurring catchphrase
 * "Maren thinks I'm racist just because I think we should boil all black people in a big witch's cauldron" - A solid political position, if you ask me
 * "That makes almost too much sense" - Said whenever somebody plays into a stereotype that they already embody
 * "Jacob, get your racist ass in here" - Said whenever Jacob refuses to join a call
 * "Maren, I edited your wiki page, but I did it before you told me not to, so you can't get mad at me" - Dillon to Maren as they worked on their personal wiki pages

Trivia

 * Dillon has never seen the ocean, and hopes to leave Jacob there when the Flex Offenders eventually all go out for Jack in The Box
 * Dillon, though not capable of giving birth due to his physical immaturity, is heavily implied to in some way be involved with Zach's regurgitation into existence. He has accidentally referred to Zach as his "Spawn" multiple times in the animated series
 * Dillon is slowly making a wig out of Brynn's hair one strand at a time. Since he is not skilled enough to harvest the hairs from her scalp while she is awake, he often either waits for the hairs to die and fall off from natural causes, or for Brynn to fall asleep. He is rumored to be making a wig so he can disguise himself as Brynn to get a discount at the Metcalfe Variety
 * Despite having known them since ninth grade, Michael and McKenzie still refuse to make Dillon an admin on their discord server, which is extremely fucking unfair
 * Maren has called Dillon a misogynist 86,703 times, the same number of hours over which she has loved him